I spend an awful lot of time thinking about Algeria. As you probably know from reading my bio, my little boy died in September. I have had a very hard time coming back from that and as time goes by, I seem to be doing a little better but I have an overwhelming sense of grief for him, although its turned more inwards. We still have each other, my baby and me but I have had to take care of my 4 year old and my 13 year old and not so much my older girl who is 22 but I have still got to be there in her life too. My sons death really consumed me. I grieved for him so hard that I aged 10 years in 2 months. I literally wanted to sleep on top of his grave and just stay there with him in the cemetary all the time but the reality is that my daughter who is only 4 needs to have Disney World and girl scouts and fun and a life and my 13year old needs his mom to be there for him. About 4 weeks ago, I went to visit his grave in the Greenwood Cemetary which is an old cemetary in downtown Orlando that even has Spanish American and Civil War graves and monuments and even a ghost tour. Next to my son's grave there is a bald eagle up in the tree that people take picture of ( the GREENWOOD CEMETARY BALD EAGLE AS HE IS KNOWN). There is also a little den of baby foxes with a sign ( warning baby foxes) Anyway, I got there at like 630 and lost track of time and when I got ready to leave, I drove up to the gates and discovered I was locked in the cemetary with no way out. I had to call 9 11 and it took them about 2 minutes to believe me ( I AM LOCKED IN THE CEMETARY... GET ME OUT OF HERE>) It was at that point that I decided that maybe I am going there too much. I took 2 weeks off and then I went yesterday and the day before so I am still going but I just get very upset when I am there too much and then sad when I do not go enough. Its been a while since my son died but I am not over it no matter how hard I try, I have serious problems moving past his death. I miss him so much.

I have done wrong things in my life....I have not been a perfect person...But I just feel so devastated and I ask myself, what in the world did I ever do wrong enough to experience this kind of trauma and grief? Since he died, I have been walking in trauma and grief, leaving it for weeks at a time and coming back to the same place of shock and horror over the loss of my son. I only want to hold him one more time and to kiss him and be with him but for the love of my other kids , I have got to pull it together. I write about him sometimes but I struggle to come to grips with the fact that I will never see him again. I miss him so much... Nothing in this life is more important than our children. Nothing.. Not broken marriages, foreclosures you name it... Our babies are our world and I thank God every day that I still have my other kids but I miss him so so so much. I miss my baby so so so so much.....