saying goodbye

I lost 2 very significant people to me in the last year. The first was my son born in September. The second was my very best friend who lived next door who was there for me when my little girl was born and she was there the night my son died.

How do I say goodbye when hello is all I want to say?
All I want to do is close my eyes and my baby is back besides me and my friend is still alive. I miss her so much. Her name was Julie. What have well all done in our lives to keep living in other peoples hearts? She loved me when no one did. She threw a party for my baby girl. She bought my baby son things and when he died, she came as much as she could and stayed with me, even when she was dying of cancer. She was more there for me than able bodied people.

I grieve so much for my son and for Lori. I have started to understand that its completely ok to turn corners in your life and become more somber. I remember years ago I would sing and shout and dance at the drop of a hat. I loved without abandon and took chances. Since I lost my baby and my friend, I am still joyous. I just understand things so much more. I understand that sometimes there are minutes and moments that define you. I understand that you need to tell people each and every day how much you love them. I learned that even the most amazing things are not forever and we all will face these things at one time or another. I learned to make each and every single day a memory so you do not have regrets. There are so many things I wanted to give Julie. She was dying of cancer most of the 12 years that I knew her with it slowly progressing, then extremely rapid the last year. And now she is gone. My children, especially my 13 year old are devastated. I miss her so much. I miss on levels that I cannot explain. Her husband asked me to write a book about Julie and I think I just might. I think each one of us has a little Julie in them. Julie used to carry candy in her pockets and give candy away to neighborhood kids and always buy them christmas and birthday presents. She was always more than other people.. even though she struggled to breathe and walk....She always cried because she could not have kids. I told her not a whole lot of people want my kids,.. I said please be part of their life.. and my children and my suffering opened the door for her to be a second mother to them. I took off all the rules and said please love them as much as you want to... And me and Julie talked about life, abuse, dreams, things we wants. We collected frogs together and shared our outdoor frogs. She babysat 3 years ago when I wanted to go out for a few hours. She bought my kids chocolate and popcorn and loved them . How am I going to say goodbye to her? She died Saturday and I am having such a hard time saying goodbye to the person who was the most there for me the last 12 years